There’s a serious XBLA title set for download on Wednesday, the long awaited HD remix of the legendary Street Fighter II, so if you’re all over that shit like Blanka on Chun-Li’s face, this is a rare opportunity for you to learn 10 key ways to not suck. This guide will help you avoid the dreaded and always humiliating “Perfect” loss. With these tactics you are guaranteed to hit your opponent at least once, or there was no hope for you to begin with.

I’m in the process of practicing 4-Hit combo’s using only the small nub which protrudes from my funny bone, so with release approaching by the minute, I have to make this quick and dirty.  I’ve provided a sketch for each of these extremely top secret and highly guarded techniques, print this page for future reference.

Now, pay attention:

1) Pick Ryu.

He’s the guy in the red head band in the top-left corner of the character select screen.  This is critical.  All the characters in this game are balanced if you’re a master, but when it comes to beating a massive population of mediocrity, and considering the unknown skill level of my readers, you don’t question my judgment, you pick Ryu. Selecting Ryu will place you above the curve by default. If you have to pick Ken for the “American Karate Expert In A Gi” cliche, heh, but that is acceptable.

2) Don’t jump, ever.

Jumping will only take away from the little health you have left on your meter. There is a 6 foot ceiling above you and it is charged with 8 million volts of electricity.  If you jump, you will die. That is your mind set. You might find this restrictive, you might call it boring, I call it defense. Defense creates offense, wax on, wax off, and so on… One jump, one swift kick to the scrotum, it’s that simple.

3) Block.  You’re always blocking.

It’s not something you do when you feel like it or when you think your opponent is going to attack, you don’t have that level of anticipation.  If you’re not blocking, your teeth are getting knocked out.  You hold that analog stick towards the left, and you do it with your life, always.  (that would be the right if you’re player 2, otherwise you’re just being completely offensive and vulnerable, and the match is over.) It’s important that you crouch while blocking, your opponent might try to knock you down with a low attack, therefore rendering the act of blocking pointless.  It’s common sense.

4) Avoid projectiles.

A good player will bombard you with projectiles, they don’t do much damage when you block them but it’s a race against the clock and every little bit counts. In order to avoid them effectively while still maintaining your defensive focus, jump straight up and let them sail past you below.  Do not jump forward in the direction of your opponent, very important, that is why they threw the projectile at you in the first place. Are you a little fat kid? Is a fireball the last obstacle between you and a piece of cake? No. You are a warrior and you don’t eat cake. (Give your share to E. Honda.)

5) Jump back + fierce kick.

I know it contradicts #2, but a good Street Fighter knows when to make exceptions.  This is a vital maneuver because it can hit an opponent advancing on the ground, towards you with a special move, or jumping at you from above. Naturally, if you jump backwards they will assume you are trying to get away. It won’t be until the heel of your foot cracks a nose bone that they realize it was a setup.  Remember this when an opponent breaches your personal space and get back to your comfort zone.

6) Stagger your projectiles.

You have 3 speeds of fireballs for a reason. The mediocre population I spoke of earlier does not know this. If you throw fireballs often in a random order it will confuse them. It’s like having a cat and rearranging your furniture. If you do this right, they’ll try to jump over the fireball and likely jump right into it.  (Which burns a little the first time, worth it every time.)

7) Crouch + Fierce kick. (Sweep)

Pretend you’re on “So you think you can dance?” to perform the break dancing routine of your career. If your opponent is advancing toward you on the ground, as soon as they are in range, bust-a-move! The sweep will knock them on their ass or bounce you back to your comfort zone if they block.  Either way, you’re not getting voted off for this performance.

If you have to, be cheap.

When you get in close, throw a quick punch or kick and then press toward your opponent + fierce punch.  If you manage to pull this off, the throw will occur immediately after you jab.  This works every time because it happens very fast, I would just reverse it, but we’re not talking about me right now. You’re not there yet and neither is your competition.

9) Protect yourself from aerial attacks.

Since I’ve already advised you to block in a crouched position I assume you listened.  Make sure you stand up to block an aerial attack because you can’t do that on one knee. As pretty as he might be, Ken is not looking for your hand in marriage, he wants to kill you.  While this will help protect your skull, it will also force you to absorb the incoming combo which is inevitable. This will knock a sliver off your health meter if chained with a special move, so we want to avoid that where possible. The best counter is an uppercut, the reason you picked Ryu in the first place. However, you’re probably not capable of that from a crouched blocking position, so I would suggest the next best thing:  A standard crouched fierce punch.  This one-tap power house will counter 90% of aerial attacks if you are special move challenged, so easy even a noob can do it.

10) Jump Smart.

I told you not to jump, but I also told you a master knows when to make exceptions. It is acceptable to jump when your opponent has been rendered useless, which prevents them from countering a jump attack.  If you knock your opponent down, you have a few seconds before they stand up again. This is when you time a jump attack to hit your opponent just as they rise to their feet, and before they can throw an attack. They can still block, if that happens, immediately execute #8. People will call this cheap, but you won’t listen to that, you will tell them they should have done a reversal.

That concludes my tutorial on how to not suck at Street Fighter II. I have an advanced version of this course, but I’ll keep that under wraps for now… I’ll test the competition on Wednesday and see if it’s required.

There are also some ethics by which you must follow for the overall education of Street Fighter principals, morals, and values:

• You will not call the enemy cheap if they perform an attack you cannot defend. There is a defense or counter to every attack, they are not cheating, they are better than you.
• If after the first round you determine you are capable of spanking this player 100 times in a row effortlessly with one arm, you will give them a free second round to practice sucking on your lifeless body. You may also jump around and pretend you are trying, allow the player to feel what you always feel for a change. (it’s a nice gesture)
• You will not give a skilled player second round regardless why they feel they are deserving. You can only learn this the hard way, so don’t invite the opportunity.
• If by chance you are graced with the opportunity to play Street Fighter II on a coin-op, you will put your quarter up to hold your position in the challenger queue, even if the machine may be used free of charge.
• If by chance you are graced with the opportunity to play Street Fighter II on a coin-op in an arcade or convenience store, you will not go outside when requested by the group of goons you just forced to burn through $20 in quarters after beating them 80 times in a row on 25 cents.
• You will not make cheeky comments about Chun-Li’s ass nor will you make derogatory remarks about Cammy’s breasts. You will not call Zangeif a communist, and you will not make fat jokes about E. Honda. Being a true Street Fighter is about honor and respect.
• You will not use the “I’m much better when I get to play on the other side” excuse when you lose.  It is not an excuse, it’s simply the reason why you lost.
• You will not throw your opponent when they are dizzy and completely vulnerable.  That is weak shit. You must perform a triple fierce combo at a minimum, or you will allow them to shake it off before you engage further.

I’ve got a bit of a bone to pick, so if you’re not in the mood to listen to my medium length diatribe about the evils of censorship, this post is probably not for you.

Since being convinced by a friend of the joys of rhythm games, I’ve become a huge fan of the Guitar Heroes and Rock Bands of the world. Throw a fake plastic guitar, some finger melting songs with notes rushing by at what sometimes seem impossible speeds and I’ll gladly follow you to the gates of wherever just to get my rock on. There is some dissenting opinion of-course that courses through the vaunted halls of SplitReason pertaining to the “gayness” of these games. Those who hold such opinions need not get close to me with such sacriligous rhetoric lest they want a plastic Stratocaster to be firmly lodged in their darkest of nooks and crannies. You know who you are. Your mocking only makes me stronger and grows my resolve to rock out with my plastic cock…wait no… nevermind. Point is, I love these games, and so in my latest venture toward fake rock God status I recently purchased Rock Band 2. 

Now truth be told I don’t actually have any friends, so I’m mostly confined to the single rocking out on my couch, often wearing nothing but underwear. Hey, Kobe and Heidi did it, though I doubt I’d ever actually want any photographic evidence of my “rocking out” to be outed, let alone in a commercial. I refuse to be the new Star Wars kid. Rock Band 2 in hand, I began my quest. 

Step 1: Import songs from Rock Band 2 into Rock Band 1. Forgoing the obvious question that there are no real clues in the game on how to do this, I hit the internets for an answer. That’ll be 400 MS points please. WTF?!! Hang on, didn’t I already pay for these once? A ridiculous and obvious cash grab if there ever was one, but hey, I wanna rock out, so I plopped down my five bucks to complete the process. Economy stimulated (you’re welcome). Although I was happy to now have almost the entire library from RB1 in RB2, I couldn’t shake this feeling that it was I who had now been violated by a plastic guitar in the place whose name we dare not speak. 

Step 2: Download songs you like.  Another thing you have to know about me is that I’m a gigantic, slobbering, drooling fan of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I grew up on that shit. It’s where most of my teen angst was safely channeled. The Peppers got me through some ridiculous teenage moments that I cringe just thinking about. Download complete! Sweet baby Jesus, let’s rock! I now had the entire Blood Sugar Sex Magic album (possibly the greatest album of all time) in Rock Band 2 and was ready to start killing it in the most nerdy way possible. First song: Sir Psycho Sexy. Ok here we go… I’ve got the biggest grin on my face since, well, since a long while. And this is where the whole story falls apart. 

Another hallmark of my character is that I’m one of those crazy liberal thinking types that is vehemently opposed to most forms of censorship. My belief is that there is almost always an obvious and common sense way to apply censorship for the benefit of modern day society. Chances are that it’s a pretty good call not to have porn magazines on open display showing a girl getting gang-banged by thirty two roosters displayed in your local grocery store magazine rack for all to see. That’s just common sense. But when it comes to censorship that is rooted in inanity, clumsy efforts to impose the will of “the people”, or censoring things I PAID FOR, I begin to lose a litle bit of my civility and a little frothing at the mouth ensues. 

Here are the lyrics for the song Sir Psycho Sexy by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the words in BOLD and RED are the words some genius decided to sensor:

A long, long, long, long time ago
Before the wind, before the snow
Lived a man, lived a man I know
Lived a freak of nature named Sir Psycho

Sir Psycho Sexy that is me
Sometimes I find I need to scream

He’s a freak of nature
But we love him so
He’s a freak of nature
But we let him go
 
Deep inside the garden of Eden
Standing there with my hard on bleedin’
Theres a devil in my dick and some demons in my semen
Good God no that would be treason
Believe me Eve she gave good reason

Botty looking too good not to be squeezin’
Creamy beaver hotter than a fever
I’m a givin’ ’cause she’s the reciever
I won’t and I don’t hang up until I please her
Makin’ her feel like an over achiever
I take it away for a minute just to tease her
Then I give it back a little bit deeper

Sir Psycho Sir Psycho yea he’s the man that I met 1 time
Sir Psycho Sir Psycho yea he’s the man that left me blind
Sir Psycho Sir Psycho yea he’s the man he’s the man he’s
the man (chorus)
 
He’s a freak of nature
But we love him so
He’s a freak of nature
But we let him go

I got stopped by a lady cop
In my automobile
She said get out and spead your legs
And then she tried to cop a feel
That cop she was all dressed in blue
Was she pretty? Boy I’m tellin’ you
She stuck my butt with her big black stick
I said “what’s up?” now suck my dick
Like a ram getting ready to jam the lamb
She whimpered just a little when she felt my hand
On her crotch so very warm
I could feel her getting wet through her uniform
Proppin’ her up on the black and white
Unzipped and slipped “ooo that’s tight”
I swatted her like no swat team can
Turned a cherry pie right into jam

(chorus)

Hello young woman that I love
Pretty punk rock mamma that I’m thinking of
Hold me naked if you will
In your arms in your legs in your pussy I’d kill
To be with you, to kiss with you, I do miss you
I love you

Lay me down…

Descending waves of graceful pleasure
For your love there is no measure
Her curves they bend with subtle splendor

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the funk will make me freak
If I should die before I waked
Allow me Lord to rock out naked
Bored by the ordinary time to take a trip
Calling up a little girl with a bull whip
Lickety split go snap “snap”
Girl gettin’ off all in my lap
The tallest tree the sweetest sap
Blowin’ my ass right off the map
Ooo and it’s nice out here

So to repeat, the words in RED and BOLD are basically just muted in the Rock Band 2 rendition of this song. Are the lyrics in this song racy and suggestive? Of-course they are. In addition to being a wicked tune, the lyrics are a part of its appeal. Are there any real, what would be considered swear words in here? Not really. Is there anything overly obscene about these lyrics? Probably no more so than what you would see or have suggested to you by prime-time sinkholes like Desperate Housewives. So what’s actually going on here?

Despite being a left-wing, granola eating, raging liberal who would want to give even squirrels the right to marry (or as liberal left leaning people are often caricatured by those on the right side of the political and social fence), I understand the practicalities of creating a product and selling it. After all I do own and run my own business. That said, there is a right way of executing on your desired plan for a beneficial financial outcome, and then there’s what the fine folks behind Rock Band 2 are doing. Deferring to my inner capitalist the answer for why this censorship happened is plain as day.

You see, the video game industry has the well known policy of self-policing, namely in the form of the ESRB and its rating system. Now, I’m no fool to not know that without the ESRB, certain nefarious political headwinds would take a gigantic rubber mallet and smash it over the heads of every major retailer and publisher in an effort to impose their views on what can and cannot be purchased by minors for interactive entertainment consumption. I for one applaud the industry for in-effect self organizing and using the ESRB to keep the conservatives dogs at bay. Sort of.

That said, Rock Band 2 is a game that is currently rated as T for Teen. One would assume that the mindless censorship imposed in a song like Sir Psycho Sexy was as a result of either direct or indirect pressure from the ESRB so that Rock Band 2 could keep its T rating. Heaven forbid it jump up to M for Mature, cause God knows that those games don’t sell nearly as well or have as broad market as games rated T. Right?

Exhibit 1a.
Halo 3.
Rating?
M.

And I think we all know how that sold.

So with the capitalistic argument for losing sales because of a change in rating pretty much a non-starter, what other reasoning can there be for this idiotic Tour De Stupid? Often when I have trouble figuring out the reason for what I perceive as blindly moronic manouvers I turn to old faithful: Gross Incompetence, with a slight tinge of idealogical certitude. Do you remember the first time you saw that little warning pop-up in your favorite video game from the ESRB that said: “Online interactions are not rated by the ESRB”? Can you imagine the hand-wringing that must have occurred in the industry when Jim Bob Billy Bob and his wife Martha wrote their Senator about little Billy Bob Jr. learning awful words such as FAG and HOMO and eight hundred thousand other iterations of all-too-common streams of profanity on Xbox Live? That little eight word warning the industry came up with, was noting short of genius. Too bad it took them so long. So you see kids, the lesson here is that there are clever ways of doing business without spoiling the fun for the rest of us. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just, you know, rate downloadable content like the music available for Rock Band 2 and solve the problem that way instead of taking a hatchet and mutilating one of my favorite songs? It may mean nothing to you, but it will now make me think twice about buying any other song from the marketplace for that specific reason. And there goes your precious bottom line you’re so worried about Harmonix, or whoever is making the decisions over there.

It is a gross miscalculation to believe that the majority of your purchasers have not heard innuendo like the ones in this song long before they hit the 8th grade, unless of-course they live on a compound or something. There is also something to be said for the very fundamental idea that I PAID for this content. I could go on at length on this point alone, but its a fairly obvious one, and I’ll end by simply saying: Keep your goddamn, grubby, dirty, censoring hands off shit that I specifically pluck down my hard earned money for. I know what I’m getting into. And if Billy Bob Jr. happens to make that purchase, whatever happened to the idea of parental responsibility? Fellow gamers, we live in a censored world, don’t kid yourself. Sir Psycho Sexy is living proof.