10 Ways To Not Suck At Street Fighter II

There’s a serious XBLA title set for download on Wednesday, the long awaited HD remix of the legendary Street Fighter II, so if you’re all over that shit like Blanka on Chun-Li’s face, this is a rare opportunity for you to learn 10 key ways to not suck. This guide will help you avoid the dreaded and always humiliating “Perfect” loss. With these tactics you are guaranteed to hit your opponent at least once, or there was no hope for you to begin with.

I’m in the process of practicing 4-Hit combo’s using only the small nub which protrudes from my funny bone, so with release approaching by the minute, I have to make this quick and dirty.  I’ve provided a sketch for each of these extremely top secret and highly guarded techniques, print this page for future reference.

Now, pay attention:

1) Pick Ryu.

He’s the guy in the red head band in the top-left corner of the character select screen.  This is critical.  All the characters in this game are balanced if you’re a master, but when it comes to beating a massive population of mediocrity, and considering the unknown skill level of my readers, you don’t question my judgment, you pick Ryu. Selecting Ryu will place you above the curve by default. If you have to pick Ken for the “American Karate Expert In A Gi” cliche, heh, but that is acceptable.

2) Don’t jump, ever.

Jumping will only take away from the little health you have left on your meter. There is a 6 foot ceiling above you and it is charged with 8 million volts of electricity.  If you jump, you will die. That is your mind set. You might find this restrictive, you might call it boring, I call it defense. Defense creates offense, wax on, wax off, and so on… One jump, one swift kick to the scrotum, it’s that simple.

3) Block.  You’re always blocking.

It’s not something you do when you feel like it or when you think your opponent is going to attack, you don’t have that level of anticipation.  If you’re not blocking, your teeth are getting knocked out.  You hold that analog stick towards the left, and you do it with your life, always.  (that would be the right if you’re player 2, otherwise you’re just being completely offensive and vulnerable, and the match is over.) It’s important that you crouch while blocking, your opponent might try to knock you down with a low attack, therefore rendering the act of blocking pointless.  It’s common sense.

4) Avoid projectiles.

A good player will bombard you with projectiles, they don’t do much damage when you block them but it’s a race against the clock and every little bit counts. In order to avoid them effectively while still maintaining your defensive focus, jump straight up and let them sail past you below.  Do not jump forward in the direction of your opponent, very important, that is why they threw the projectile at you in the first place. Are you a little fat kid? Is a fireball the last obstacle between you and a piece of cake? No. You are a warrior and you don’t eat cake. (Give your share to E. Honda.)

5) Jump back + fierce kick.

I know it contradicts #2, but a good Street Fighter knows when to make exceptions.  This is a vital maneuver because it can hit an opponent advancing on the ground, towards you with a special move, or jumping at you from above. Naturally, if you jump backwards they will assume you are trying to get away. It won’t be until the heel of your foot cracks a nose bone that they realize it was a setup.  Remember this when an opponent breaches your personal space and get back to your comfort zone.

6) Stagger your projectiles.

You have 3 speeds of fireballs for a reason. The mediocre population I spoke of earlier does not know this. If you throw fireballs often in a random order it will confuse them. It’s like having a cat and rearranging your furniture. If you do this right, they’ll try to jump over the fireball and likely jump right into it.  (Which burns a little the first time, worth it every time.)

7) Crouch + Fierce kick. (Sweep)

Pretend you’re on “So you think you can dance?” to perform the break dancing routine of your career. If your opponent is advancing toward you on the ground, as soon as they are in range, bust-a-move! The sweep will knock them on their ass or bounce you back to your comfort zone if they block.  Either way, you’re not getting voted off for this performance.

8) If you have to, be cheap.

When you get in close, throw a quick punch or kick and then press toward your opponent + fierce punch.  If you manage to pull this off, the throw will occur immediately after you jab.  This works every time because it happens very fast, I would just reverse it, but we’re not talking about me right now. You’re not there yet and neither is your competition.

9) Protect yourself from aerial attacks.

Since I’ve already advised you to block in a crouched position I assume you listened.  Make sure you stand up to block an aerial attack because you can’t do that on one knee. As pretty as he might be, Ken is not looking for your hand in marriage, he wants to kill you.  While this will help protect your skull, it will also force you to absorb the incoming combo which is inevitable. This will knock a sliver off your health meter if chained with a special move, so we want to avoid that where possible. The best counter is an uppercut, the reason you picked Ryu in the first place. However, you’re probably not capable of that from a crouched blocking position, so I would suggest the next best thing:  A standard crouched fierce punch.  This one-tap power house will counter 90% of aerial attacks if you are special move challenged, so easy even a noob can do it.

10) Jump Smart.

I told you not to jump, but I also told you a master knows when to make exceptions. It is acceptable to jump when your opponent has been rendered useless, which prevents them from countering a jump attack.  If you knock your opponent down, you have a few seconds before they stand up again. This is when you time a jump attack to hit your opponent just as they rise to their feet, and before they can throw an attack. They can still block, if that happens, immediately execute #8. People will call this cheap, but you won’t listen to that, you will tell them they should have done a reversal.

That concludes my tutorial on how to not suck at Street Fighter II. I have an advanced version of this course, but I’ll keep that under wraps for now… I’ll test the competition on Wednesday and see if it’s required.

There are also some ethics by which you must follow for the overall education of Street Fighter principals, morals, and values:

  • You will not call the enemy cheap if they perform an attack you cannot defend. There is a defense or counter to every attack, they are not cheating, they are better than you.
  • If after the first round you determine you are capable of spanking this player 100 times in a row effortlessly with one arm, you will give them a free second round to practice sucking on your lifeless body. You may also jump around and pretend you are trying, allow the player to feel what you always feel for a change. (it’s a nice gesture)
  • You will not give a skilled player second round regardless why they feel they are deserving. You can only learn this the hard way, so don’t invite the opportunity.
  • If by chance you are graced with the opportunity to play Street Fighter II on a coin-op, you will put your quarter up to hold your position in the challenger queue, even if the machine may be used free of charge.
  • If by chance you are graced with the opportunity to play Street Fighter II on a coin-op in an arcade or convenience store, you will not go outside when requested by the group of goons you just forced to burn through $20 in quarters after beating them 80 times in a row on 25 cents.
  • You will not make cheeky comments about Chun-Li’s ass nor will you make derogatory remarks about Cammy’s breasts. You will not call Zangeif a communist, and you will not make fat jokes about E. Honda. Being a true Street Fighter is about honor and respect.
  • You will not use the “I’m much better when I get to play on the other side” excuse when you lose.  It is not an excuse, it’s simply the reason why you lost.
  • You will not throw your opponent when they are dizzy and completely vulnerable.  That is weak shit. You must perform a triple fierce combo at a minimum, or you will allow them to shake it off before you engage further.

5 Responses to “10 Ways To Not Suck At Street Fighter II”

  1. November 26th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Brian says:

    Download in progress… 1200 MS points, but who is complaining, not me. Small price to pay to fuel an addiction.

  2. December 3rd, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    Glen Brogan says:

    This is hilarious, great job. “It’s like having a cat and rearranging your furniture. “

  3. February 17th, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    shahshank says:

    haha awesome. “As pretty as he might be, Ken is not looking for your hand in marriage, he wants to kill you.”

  4. March 8th, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Lui Fuld says:

    Everyone in the universe must respect the powa of Street Fighter, it’s seriously my favourite fighting game ever! I’m glad to see it releasing more and knowing other peeps loving the HADOUKEN!

  5. September 15th, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    powerdarnell says:

    I lold, but its called roundhouse kick……. not fierce :|
    jk who cares c|8^o

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